Wacko of the Week -- 01/05/08

I looked into
the eye of God and
found there our
New Year's Wacko:

PAT ROBERTSON

As I was gazing deeply and dreamily into the peepers of our Great Papa in the Sky, I discovered that Pastor Pat was there, too, tapping into the pool of infinite wisdom that is the soul of God. Pat was looking for things to put into his New Year's predictions. He says God gave them to him.

This is what Pat has learned:
1. There will be a Recession in the United States this year, so sayeth God. Absolutely no one else in the country has thought that could be possible. No one at all has seen that possibility, not even Sylvia Browne.
"I also believe the Lord was saying by 2009, maybe 2010, there's going to be a major stock market crash," said Robertson, who is a millionaire businessman as well as an evangelical leader.

... further fearless forecasts from God, according to Robertson:
2. The price of gasoline is going up. YIKES!

3. There will be violence and chaos in the world.

4. The next President of the United States is a secret.
Says Soothsayer Pat: "He told me some things about the election, but I'm not going to say, because some old man on "60 Minutes" would make fun of me, so I'm not going to tell you who the winner's going to be,"

Here at BIRCHES, we're going to go out an a limb (yuk-yuk) and guess whom God has given Robertson as the winner. (Sh-h-h don't tell nobody dudes.) It's Rudy Giuliani. How do we know? God told us, of course. We aren't just some run-of-the-rail crackpots here, we go to the top! There was also this clue: Robertson has already endorsed Rudy for the Presidency (see photo above), and we're going to just take a wild-ass guess and say that's because he had some insider information. Shhh-h!
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In the interest of truth, BIRCHES adds this footnote:
Robertson's prognostications are never correct. He said God would wipe out Orlando for abetting gays, but it didn't happen. He said a Tsunami would hit California last year. Etc. etc. Read more here: click

We conclude that God is having his fun with Pat Robertson; God has a a sense of humor doesn't he? Why not pick a good-natured essentially harmless fella who has a worldwide television network and a ton of money. I would, and hell, I'm not even as smart as a demi-god.
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RUNNER UP - Christopher Nolan of Lebanon, Maine, who refused to dress up as Santa Clause, and was consequently fired from his job. The thing is, Mr Nolan is an atheist, he says, and doesn't believe in Christmas. All you BIRCHES readers may want to tussle with that explanation.