"This is Marvelous in Our Eyes"
1. To the Russian Navy, which managed to get a squadron of their fleet all the way over into the Caribbean Ocean to rendezvous with whatever it is the Venezuelans have for a navy. None of the Russian boats sank on the way over, none of them blew up or leaked radioactivity. So far, none of them has run into anything! Congratulations!
2. To the unidentified 4 year-old boy in Detroit who pulled out his daddy's gun and shot him in the stomach with it while pops snoozed on the couch. The little boy's sister said she'd warned daddy of how dangerous it was to leave his gun loose like that. This is a man who has learned a lesson, and he's home-schooled. Congratulations!
3. To Plaxico Burress who successfully shot himself in the leg with an apparently illegal concealed firearm he was carrying. The man is worth millions in his uninjured physical condition, but nothing at all when crippled. He's never been known for his mental profundity, but he was careful to miss his gonads, thus insuring that his talented DNA will remain in the gene pool. Congratulations!
4. To Wal-Mart a cheap-shit company which promotes rampant consumerism and a hogwash patriotism, for losing only one employee during their post-Thanksgiving stampede, an unfortunate fellow who was trampled to death in their Long Island store on Friday morning. This is a very good crowd management record for this year. Congratulations!