Tuesday Evening Quiz - 01/15/08

What tribe (or civilization)

6.

They're Coming to Take Me Away (File #12)

headline:
Paris Hilton headed to Harvard

Now let's see, what does this remind me of?
??
Hmmm

oh Ya:

Republican Humor (37)

Another in the evidently endless conservative commentaries on the lifestyle of America's most famous couple.
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"The Clintons Go Clubbing"

As a sort of gag present, Hillary decided to take her husband, Bill, to a strip club on their anniversary.

When they arrived at the club, the doorman greeted him: "Hey there Bill, how ya doin' tonight?"

His wife was puzzled and asked if he'd been to the club before.

"Oh, no," said Clinton, "That's just a guy who worked on my campaign."

When seated, a waitress asked, "You want your usual, Bill? Budweiser?"

His wife became increasingly suspicious: "How did she know you drink Budweiser?"

"Oh, she worked on the campaign, too, honey." She glared at him, full of doubt.

Then, a stripper came over, threw her arms around him, and said, "Hi, Sweetie! Want your usual lap dance?"

Furious, his wife stormed out of the club, but he jumped up and followed. Seeing her get into a cab, he jumped in beside her.

Desperately he tried to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but Hillary was not fooled and was having none of it. She screamed at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabbie turned his head and said, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Bill."

A Light Through the Leaves

"The planting of trees is the least self-centered of all that we do. It is a purer act of faith than the procreation of children."
- Thornton Wilder

quiz award

SILVER STAR
to Scot,
for knowing that one of the towns was Seward Alaska, and that one of the towns was in Greenland, although he was unsure what town it was.

Monday Morning friends report, Jan 14, 08

There hasn't been a lot of communication from BIRCH readers this week. Less than usual.

Many of the readers of BIRCHES are enthusiastic movie buffs. When we gather in person, we often talk about what films are currently in theaters and what we like. Movie talk, and discussion of actors, is always in fashion, though these have seldom been topics that appear on the blog.
DASHMANN - (our runaway punster) - having seen "No Country For Old Men" stated this about actor Javier Bardem: "Anyone he let live could have suffered post – Bardem depression!"

Many of our readers are also politically involved paying attention to the candidates and the polls. Some of them have expressed thoughts about the New Hampshire salvations enjoyed by McCain and McHillary. Most people are still uncertain, I believe, about which candidate they support, but it's not an exaggeration to say that most of the BIRCHies are leaning Democratic this year. I haven't heard anyone say: "Gee I wish Bush could run again."

BILL from WNNCO - We've twice received copies of the specious email making the rounds (again!) on the internet, about Obama being a radical Muslim and trying to hide his beliefs until he can be elected President so that her can turn the country into a Muslim state. This claim is unfounded, according to the Urban Legends experts, and I would go even further and say it's just a hatchet job.

SPARTY sent an article from the New York Times Magazine about the voters' attitudes toward Mormonism, and, by extrapolation, towards all religion in politics. He did not express any opinion about the topic, but knew I'd be interested. click One thing I took away from the article is the notion that people can't have it both ways. If candidates rely on their religious faith as a qualification for office, then that becomes fair game in the market place of ideas. This would certainly apply to Romney (Mormon) and Huckabee (Baptist.) But, if candidates do not choose to put their religious beliefs in play, they should not, in our democracy, have to answer for them. This is not the only possible lesson, for sure.
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More personal things:
PAT - her kitchen replacement crew has gone on vacation for a week in the middle of the job. It was understood from the beginning that this would happen, and it's totally OK, but she'll be glad when the work gets going again.

BRENDA - has been working long and crazy hours on her new job.

FELIX - Has been laid low by the world's worst cold, given to him cheerfully by his sister.

MARSHA - her cat disappeared for a few days, but finally reappeared. Marsha noticed that the cat seemed to be upset with her for having been gone. "It occurs to me that Lola’s brain is so small that she is unable to distinguish whether it is I or she who’s been away."

Meanwhile, JERRY - is trying to give away his litter of kittens. No one seems to want them. Here are two, if you want to choose one:

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Causes and concerns:
JERRY - Passes on this recommendation to help abandoned animals: click

ALICE - sent an article that answered a question I have been pondering for years. Why do chimpanzees eat dirt? Well, I'm not going to tell you, but if you wanna know: click
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Advice Column
(thanks to Marsha):
Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Columbus, Ohio who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Worthington and one of my sisters, who lives in Dublin, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Grove City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentencein Lucasville for murder in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of beating his wife.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Atlanta and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel.

All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Michigan fan?

(Signed) Worried About My Reputation
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Add ons

From Jerry (lucky photography):


From Marsha (upcoming trip prompted this):


From Basketcase (my vacation):


Hey all! Keep us informed and involved!

current "Shut the hell up" list

list starters (Bud)
1.Admadinejad
2.Anyone named Bush (2 votes)
3.Billy Mays (2 votes)
4.Color commentators
5.Sanjay Gupta
6.Anyone named Spears

added by others
7.Ann Coulter, evil (anonymous)
8.Harbhajan Singh (Trase)
9.Fear mongers(Dashmann)
10.Atttack type politicians(Dashmann)
11.Telemarketers, esp. for police,fire,etc. (Pat)
12.Myself (Bill from WNNCO)
13.Bud Selig (Dashmann)
14.Fanatical anti-immigration nuts (Alice)
15.Giuliani (Dashmann)

Sunday silly Sites #8

Here are some new and exciting, but I guess kind of silly, places for you to go for a brief walk-about. They caught my eye, so maybe yours, too?
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NHL Goalie masks, with the goalies in them. They're really creative: click

Create a "bad santa" - let your anti-hero impulses rip. click

How your cat wakes you up. (YouTube.) Pretty clever and funny. click

Tuesday Quiz update

Concerning the three towns:

Several people, Felix, Marsha, and Pat, have guessed the towns are in Alaska. This is partly correct. One of the towns is in Alaska. But, it's not Sitka.

Wacko of the Week -- 01/12/08

Preamble: There is certainly no shortage of candidates for Wacko this week.

1. GALLOPING POLL: (.e. runaway):
In the first place, as everyone knows, the pollsters clearly were crazy when they predicted Obama to win New Hampshire by a wide margin. As soon as you look at the polls saying he would win by 12%-13%-19%, there was something stinky in the wind. I believe it was the smell of bullshit. In the second place, they fell all over themselves trying to explain why they were wrong, and hey! let's accept their word for it. There were tons of good reasons. But - ahem! - don't they make their money by being right?

And, what about
2. Wesley Snipes

getting into a multimillion
dollar unpaid tax jam with
the United States government?
Trial began this week.

CLICK

Of course, there's the latest chapter of the
3. O.J. Simpson
idiocy wherein the dumb football player defies the terms of his probation and gets himself thrown back into jail. It's a drama worthy of a man who seems to have gone completely head-over-teacups crazy.
click

Need we even mention 4. Britney? Anyone who would hold her own baby hostage is "whacked out" to use a vernacular expression.
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Winner: THIS MAN:Bryan James Hathaway,


You can read as much as you probably want to know about him here:

click

The young feller has had the misfortune of allowing his affections to wander quite far afield, pun definitely intended.

they wandered to here, for example: And if you would like, you can help rescue him from the narrow mindedness of the law, and the bigotry of contemporary decency standards, by joining this effort:


Sign the petition here: CLICK

FOOTNOTE: Oh, by the way, if you do sign the petition, you may become a candidate for next Wacko of the Week.
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Here's our first runner up this week:
The Administration of the Rib Mountain Elementary School in Wassau, WI, which transferred a teacher who patted a student on the head, after the parent claimed the child was "hit." It's an appalling example of where correctness is carrying us these days.

Read about it here: click

Barney Fife Award ---#3 Memphis police department

Memphis Officer Recovering After Shooting Himself in Foot

A Memphis police officer is recovering after accidentally shooting himself in the foot during a raid Friday Night, January 4, 2008.

Officers say someone let a pit bull loose on them when they knocked on the door of a home in the 44-hundred block of Medley lane, near the airport. The officer tried to shoot at the dog, but ended up shooting himself in the foot.
CLICK

Goodbye Vampira

You tried to scare the hell of of me, but instead, you made me laugh like the devil. However, once I loved you. May you rest in pieces.

As thyme slips away, there's this new substitute:

BIRCHES may be doomed

My Internet provider is Charter Communications. This is one of the worst companies in America but its existence is guaranteed by the local governments who license it to operate a cable monopoly. No matter how poorly a company may operate, it is able to limp along because if it has no competition and can virtually set it own prices.

I may lose this Charter connection. Today I went in to pay my bill and the company told me I had to take a number. I refused. I shoved my check and bill through the little window and walked out.

So, BIRCHES may have its plug pulled at any time.

history lesson #1

Missouri School boy, 1938.
Tell me two reasons why this
kid would be pulled out of
class today.


(click on picture to enlarge it)

Thursday Morning Smile-Maker (27)

SHALOM! IMMINENT SOLUTION FOR ALL MID-EAST PROBLEMS

NEWSFLASH

Bush in Israel to Bring Peace

U.S. President George W. Bush shakes hands with Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert while Israeli President Shimon Peres looks on at an official reception at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv, Israel on January 9, 2008. (UPI Photo/Debbie Hill)

Boy, things are in good hands, now.
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OOPS, OH WAIT ....

Bush months behind on Islamic envoy
Published: Jan. 9, 2008 at 12:46 PM

WASHINGTON, Jan. 9 (UPI) -- U.S. President George Bush has yet to act on a 7-month-old promise to appoint an envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference. The White House said there were no plans for Bush to use his week-long trip to six Middle Eastern countries that began Wednesday to name an envoy, the Washington Times reported Wednesday. Bush made the promise in June at the Islamic Center of Washington and there was speculation he would use this week's visit to make the announcement.
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noted, without comment

GUN STASHED UNDER CHILD'S PILLOW
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla.
Jan. 8 2008
United Press

(UPI) -- A Florida man was arrested on suspicion of child abuse and domestic battery after he allegedly allowed his 6-year-old daughter to sleep with a loaded gun.

The arrest report said authorities were called to Robert Lee Johnson's home because the man was fighting with his stepfather, WKMG-TV, Orlando, Fla., reported Tuesday.

Investigators allegedly found the loaded gun under his daughter's pillow.

The report quoted Johnson as saying he owned the gun because he "watches too much CNN."

Johnson was being held at St. Lucie County Jail.

Tuesday Evening Quiz - 01/08/08

I hope this one challenges your geographic perspicacity. Here are three places. You ought to be able to narrow down in your mind where they are likely to be. If you get two countries or more correct, you get a silver star. If you get actual towns correct, you get gold stars. The best answer will get a trophy.


1.


2.

3.

2008 "Shut Up!" list

This is my 'oh, shut the hell up ... " list.
Who do you want me to add?

Ann Coulter, evil (anonymous)

Harbhajan Singh (Trase)

Fear mongers
(Dashmann)

Atttack type politicians
(Dashmann)

Telemarketers,
esp. for police,fire,etc. (Pat)

Myself (Bill from WNNCO)

Bud Selig
(Dashmann)

fanatical anti-
immigration nuts
(Alice)

Giuliani (Dashmann)

Admadinejad
Anyone named Bush (2 votes)
Billy Mays (2 votes)
color commentators
Sanjay Gupta
Anyone named Spears

CHAMPIONS

After Monday night's game, here are some things we know absolutely for sure.

1. LSU is the very best team in college football.
2. The BCS system once again worked flawlessly. Everyone can be totally satisfied that it resulted in an uncontested champion.
3. Some people have made a hell of a lot of money.

Monday Morning friends report

The latest report on what some of our friends are saying or doing.
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Here under the Birches,we watched the Michigan-Florida game with the sound off (to avoid the incessant babble of the over-paid mouths) and were delighted with the outcome. After very very extensive consideration and debate, the experts- who are paid for these kinds of insights - predicted that Florida would beat Michigan by about a kajillion-and-a-half points. There are quite a few happy people around here, pleased that the experts were wrong. (Of course, some of us amateurs were wrong also.)

We have heard that some people are not Wolverine fans, and Marsha sent this picture to prove it. It was taken in Ohio. There's good reason to think some of those Ohio people are nuts.


TRASE - has written a nice piece about Coach Carr over at ARBORETUM: click It's very good.

SPARTY - whose loyalties are definitely not with Michigan, sent a note of congratulations on the game's outcome. Good sportsmanship. Now I have to accept the disaster which is Michigan Basketball, and when State wins there, I'll congratulate Spartans for their very classy B-ball program and coach.
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In other sporting news:
IRENE - says the cricket results formerly printed here were only a part of an on-going series between India and Australia. So I looked it up and here's the latest.

India vs Australia Second Test at Sydney
IND vs AUS, Second Test, Sydney: Australia beat India by 122 runs, equals record (2:0)

Here it is explained in part. This IS in English, by the way:

"The Australian team fought to the end and ringed the remaining Indian batsmen with six fielders to get a breakthrough after Kumble and Harbhajan Singh looked likely to bat out for the draw. Earlier Ponting called a halt to Australia's second innings at 401 for seven, leaving India with 72 overs to go after the runs. Hussey remained unbeaten on 145 off 259 balls at the time of the declaration for his eighth Test hundred and boosted his average to 84.8 in 20 Tests. Kumble finished with 4-148 off 40 overs and now has 599 Test wickets, while fellow spinner Harbhajan took 2-92 off 33 overs."

SCOT and TRASE - report from down-under that the weather has been very wet in Eastern Australia. ("The rain the rain the rain continues. It's occasionally torrential, but usually just drippy.")
This is bad for their tourism, but it's great for the drought.
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PAT - goes berserk, destroys kitchen.

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JERRY - sent this awful example of what can happen if you wear Chinese made sandals purchased from Wal-Mart. I checked it out on Urban Legends Webpage and found out it's true.

On the positive side, Wal-Mart claims it's only happened to 7 people. Aren't you glad one of them wasn't you?
click
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MARSHA - sent email right out of the blue, for no good reason at all, telling me I'm losing my mind. I checked around and it's been confirmed. I AM!
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SPARTY - sent an article about the "Right-Wing Smear Machine" and some of the things it has made up about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, including the claim that his family are radical Islamists, and that she hates veterans. The big problem occurs because these stories are started by malicious people on the internet, and then they spread like wildfire before anyone can step in and refute them:

"It's a Pandora's box," says Jim Kennedy, who

served as Clinton's communications director during her first Senate

term. "Once [the charges] are out in the ether, they are very hard to

combat. It's very unlike a traditional media, newspaper or TV show, or

even a blog, which at least has a fixed point of reference. You know

they're traveling far and wide, but there's no way to rebut them with

all the people that have seen them."

DASHMANN - sent this. It's called "Hill-Billy"



Dashmann also forwarded an article about one of this state's sports favorites Brandon Inge, 3rd baseman for the Detroit Tigers. Everyone is speculating about whether or not he will stay with the Tigers this year. click

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SANDY- sent a series of pictures of polar bears. They're cute, they're funny, and polar bears are in real trouble as the ice sheets melt.

Here's a bear hug for all you Birch folk from Sandy:

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BILL from WNNCO - The Dakar Rally, held annually has been canceled due to terrorist threats. This is a subject dear to the heart of Bill and his family who are race fans and race drivers. As he says, "the cretins" have won again! click

PARIS (AP) - Al-Qaida threats against the Dakar Rally and an attack in Mauritania forced organizers to cancel the annual race on Friday, the eve of the 5,760-mile trek across North African desert scrubland and savannah.

It was the first time the automobile, motorbike and truck rally has been called off in its 30-year history. In a statement, organizers blamed "threats launched directly against the race by terrorist organizations." the Dec. 24 killings of a French family and international tensions.

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Keep BIRCHES informed of what you're thinking and seeing and doing. Believe it or not, folks read it. Happy New Year, all!

noted, without comment

From The Sunday Times
January 6, 2008
UK living standards outstrip US

"LIVING standards in Britain are set to rise above those in America for the first time since the 19th century, according to a report by the respected Oxford Economics consultancy."

Sunday silly Sites #7

Go here to read instructions on how to build a tabletop catapult you can use to fire peas and corn at your children when they misbehave: click

Go here to watch Elvis Costello's first TV appearance. Funky to the max! click

Go here to watch the Civil War get fought in 4 minutes. I love the Ashokan Farewell (music) so that alone makes it great, but the whole event is wonderful! click

Go here to have a snarky young know-it-all show you how to solve a Rubix Cube. I hate people like this, because I'm dumb, but you might love it. click

Wacko of the Week -- 01/05/08

I looked into
the eye of God and
found there our
New Year's Wacko:

PAT ROBERTSON

As I was gazing deeply and dreamily into the peepers of our Great Papa in the Sky, I discovered that Pastor Pat was there, too, tapping into the pool of infinite wisdom that is the soul of God. Pat was looking for things to put into his New Year's predictions. He says God gave them to him.

This is what Pat has learned:
1. There will be a Recession in the United States this year, so sayeth God. Absolutely no one else in the country has thought that could be possible. No one at all has seen that possibility, not even Sylvia Browne.
"I also believe the Lord was saying by 2009, maybe 2010, there's going to be a major stock market crash," said Robertson, who is a millionaire businessman as well as an evangelical leader.

... further fearless forecasts from God, according to Robertson:
2. The price of gasoline is going up. YIKES!

3. There will be violence and chaos in the world.

4. The next President of the United States is a secret.
Says Soothsayer Pat: "He told me some things about the election, but I'm not going to say, because some old man on "60 Minutes" would make fun of me, so I'm not going to tell you who the winner's going to be,"

Here at BIRCHES, we're going to go out an a limb (yuk-yuk) and guess whom God has given Robertson as the winner. (Sh-h-h don't tell nobody dudes.) It's Rudy Giuliani. How do we know? God told us, of course. We aren't just some run-of-the-rail crackpots here, we go to the top! There was also this clue: Robertson has already endorsed Rudy for the Presidency (see photo above), and we're going to just take a wild-ass guess and say that's because he had some insider information. Shhh-h!
============

In the interest of truth, BIRCHES adds this footnote:
Robertson's prognostications are never correct. He said God would wipe out Orlando for abetting gays, but it didn't happen. He said a Tsunami would hit California last year. Etc. etc. Read more here: click

We conclude that God is having his fun with Pat Robertson; God has a a sense of humor doesn't he? Why not pick a good-natured essentially harmless fella who has a worldwide television network and a ton of money. I would, and hell, I'm not even as smart as a demi-god.
xxxxxxxx

RUNNER UP - Christopher Nolan of Lebanon, Maine, who refused to dress up as Santa Clause, and was consequently fired from his job. The thing is, Mr Nolan is an atheist, he says, and doesn't believe in Christmas. All you BIRCHES readers may want to tussle with that explanation.

one view

I thought this was an interesting take, from a Pittsburgh political cartoonist.
Your comments welcomed.


Rob Rogers, The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Pennsylvania
(click on the cartoon to enlarge it.)

Gold Stars Awarded

MARSHA and ALICE both sent in correct answers to the various types of horse-and-wagons on Tuesday's Quiz. This wasn't a very popular quiz, but thanks!

1. cart
2. hackney
3. hearse
4. surrey
5. buckboard or springboard
6. trap
7. coach
8. landau or brougham

Barney Fife Award ---#2 Columbus, Ohio, police department

THE TRAP: They stage a half-naked woman in a public park. When men come up to talk with her, she asks to see their penises. When they show her, the cops arrest them.

THE PREY: Among the "perverts" (i.e., men who will gladly show a comely woman their penises) are these: "... an Ohio State University doctor, government employees and a retired highway trooper."

Congratulations guys, it's good to know our women are safe from their doctors and cops.

Read it here: click

Warning Renewed

BIRCHES is opposed to this candidate. He has won the Iowa Republican caucus. This speaks poorly for a certain bloc of voters in that state.

This person has taken the position that one qualification he has for President is that he has executed 16 people in his state. He has argued that Mitt Romney's failure to execute any while he was governor of Massachusetts signifies that Romney is weak on law enforcement. Have we reached the point where the legal killing of people is a recommendation for high office? We have never heard any candidate say anything like this before.

He argues that he has reached his position because of God's help. Have we reached a point where a man's claim to divine inspiration is an argument for election?

He's a dangerous man. We think everyone should avoid him. It's time to stand solid on more traditional public values, like separation between church and state, tolerance, humility, and progressiveness. This guy represents none of those.

Thursday Morning Smile-Maker (26)

Republican Humor (36)

As the 2008 campaign moves along, it's good to know that our friendly Republicans, while busy picking on one another, still have time to think about the Democrats. May they always be light-hearted and funny!
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While campaigning in Iowa, it just so happened that after a long and tiring day of talking and traveling, Hillary Clinton and John Edwards wound up in the same town at the same restaurant for dinner.

Agreeing to put aside their campaign hostilities for the evening, they sat down together to have a peaceful meal.

The waitress approached and spoke to Hillary: "What would you like for a main course," she asked?

"The good Iowa roast chicken, I believe," said Hillary, smiling sweetly.

"And what kind of potato would you like with that?"

"I believe I'll have some good Iowa mashed potatoes," answered Hillary, still smiling.

"And, the vegetable?"

Suddenly Hillary's smile turned to a wicked grin: "Oh, just give him a baloney sandwich."

A Light Through the Leaves

The new government is the old government,
The new year is the old year in new shoes,
The new testament is the old one reversed,
The new man is the old man newly cursed.

The new poor are the old poor plus a few.
The new itinerant is the old bum.
The new lie is the old lie, and then some.
The new Titanic steams on through old scum.
( George Szirtes click)

(and found here click )

Tuesday Evening Quiz - 01/02/08

This quiz seems somehow in balance with time, as we begin a new year.
Name these vehicles from another century.
You can send an email. If you don't know us, send an email to birchleaf@charter.net

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

8.