Here be-eth the answer

In great parts of this country, Spring has decided to give the country a real slap in the face. If it's not tornados, it's ice and snow, or floods, or high winds.

We all have learned from our fundamentalist preachers that when the weather gets really bad, it's a sign from God. So I went to my local Little Church of the High Hopes and asked around: "What's God's grievance this spring?" I talked to the Pastor, the Youth Pastor, the Four Deacons, and the Chairwoman of the Mittens for Soldiers Program.

Here are the possible answers:

1. Some Lesbians got married in Pennsylvania. Some cousins got married in Georgia. An old man married a young woman in Delaware. Some guy in Ohio married his horse.

2. We are evil people, we are terrible sinful people, we are foul creatures who have strayed from our values. We are disgusting and should purify ourselves. We are sleazy and look at naked women. We are filthy and low creatures undeserving of good treatment. We slither in slime and degradation. We are repulsive. We need a bath.

3. Charlie Sheen. Lindsay Lohan was bad enough for a hurricane, maybe, but Sheen is horrible enough to bring God's wrath on everyone.

4. The country elected a man who was born in Botswana or some such Godless place. What-did-ya expect? Kudos?